Just Another Writer

Productivity articles often have a “good citizen” tone. This inexplicably makes me get acid reflux symptoms and ignores the fact that we’re not always in goody-goody mode. Sometimes I need a break from other people’s relentless pursuit of perfection. Here’s some hacks (or as my geek son keeps telling me, tips) to hide your weed, your porn or that cute little vibrating rabbit that you bought. They are 99 percent guaranteed to keep your significant other, mom, nosy guests, and the other snoops in your life from succeeding in their evil mission to humiliate you.

1. A vacuum cleaner bag. Who goes through vacuum cleaner bags? If it is something small, then put it in the stack of them in your closet. If it is big, and you are a slob, then put it in a full bag that you have filled with something that is not gross, like plastic shopping bags. Leave it by the trash can. All you organized types: Do not plainly label the bag Condoms. Especially if your wife has had her tubes tied. You rat bastard.

2. The fax machine. I rarely use mine. The cover lifts up so that you can change the cartridge, remove paper jams, etc. How nice.

3. If it is something that you will not need for a long time, try hiding it in a baggie in the bottom of a potted plant. Wealthy readers with family heirloom jewelry who are too frugal to rent a safe-deposit box, this is for you!

4. Inside the box of laundry detergent. Leave it open and out in plain sight as usual. Both your socks and your secret mad money will smell lemony fresh.

5. Put it in the hollow legs of cheap furniture. Simply remove the casters and then replace them. Simple.

6. Remove the screws from an old VCR so that it is easy to open. Put your stuff in there and then put the VCR someplace obvious, like the garage. Don’t forget about it when you have a garage sale! My, how interesting those photos of you and your girlfriend will look to the neighbors down the street!

7. In the car. If you’re messy, and haven’t yet read the article 15 Reasons Why You Should Keep Your Car Clean, you might consider putting something in one of the old McDonalds cups you have lying around on the floor and stepping on it. Chances are, the officer really doesn’t want to search every one of your old greasy fast food wrappers and mouldering cups.

8. Inside a hollowed out book, preferably one entitled The Grandfather Clock Maintenance Manual. I know this is an old trick, but it’s good. No one ever looks at the knitting books on my bedroom shelf. Heh.

9. Duct tape is wonderful. Try taping that incriminating letter that you just can’t get rid of to the back of a mirror, picture, armoire or under and to the back of a very low-hanging shelf.

10. Rent a Batman lair, complete with revolving bookcase and secret lever. Not only can you hide shit, but your friends will think it’s mad cool. Or maybe they’ll just think you’re psycho. Who cares. Do what you want. Anyway, you can hide stuff both behind the bookshelf and on the bookshelf! (#8) You tricky bastard, you.

11. Bonus tip! Never, ever download your weed and hide it in a folder on your desktop, even if you cunningly rename the folder “MJ’s Project”. This is a sure way for the customs people at the airport to find out what you’ve been up to.

Where do you hide your secret stuff?