Photo by Miss Magnolia Thunderpussy
My oldest son was born right when the self-esteem movement was really taking off. He also happens to be very intelligent. Of course, everyone around him told him what a smart boy he was. He believed it, and it was true, so why not?
Perhaps gushing about my son’s intelligence wasn’t the best thing to have done. I recently read a study that showed that children who have been told that they are smart resist doing difficult tasks, because the hard work involved in completing the task is threatening to their sense of identity. It makes sense.
How many of you have said something like, “I made an 85 on the test, which isn’t bad, because I didn’t study.”
As a teenager, I said this sort of thing all the time, and I never studied. If I had studied and gotten a B, then I wouldn’t have felt as smart, whereas if I didn’t study, I could even fail the test without my self-esteem being challenged.
My son is a lot like me. I hope that someday he learns that it’s okay for things to be difficult. I’d hate to see him limit himself to the easy things in life.
It’s taken me a long time to learn this lesson.
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The “smart” kids associate the praises and sucesses as their identity. So these often-priased kids are less likely to try unfamiliar things, because they might not perform as well initially… and then they get discouraged because they are considering that a failure.
Sometimes that smartness can be a curse too.
I’m sure there are books written on the topic.
I think there has to be a balance. If you don’t tell your child they’re smart or talented, is there a risk that they will think they’re not smart enough or good enough, so they don’t bother trying? It’s definitely food for thought…!