I promised to post about simplicity on Tuesdays, and well, last week, I simply decided to simplify my life by not posting for a couple of days. I forgot to take photos of myself cleaning out my closet, and felt like a loser blogger because after all, aren’t we supposed to photodocument everything?
One of the things about the Internet is that you have the potential to make new friends. I like this. It is nice to find other people who have twisted and warped senses of humor who can also spell. On the other hand, you may find yourself making too many friends if you’re not careful. This can put your life in opposition to the simplistic zen-like state you are trying to obtain, as you are now burdened with more birthdays to remember and will have to purchase baskets of body products in bulk, if you’re not doing so already.
The friends who are coming out of the closet like woodwork? I’m not talking about a plethora of MySpace friends, for whom I do not generally buy Bath and Body products, or even blog friends, who are fun and don’t expect lotion. Rather, I am thinking of Old Friends.
Generally speaking, old friends are friends I don’t really care to have. The way I look at it is similar to the closet rule. If you haven’t worn it in a year, then get rid of it. Likewise, if you haven’t spoken to a friend for over a year, there is probably good reason. Perhaps your friend slept with your boyfriend. Maybe they decided to become a fruitarian and shunned you because you eat dead stuff like hamburger.It is possible that they simply got tired of your continuing refusal to go mudhogging with them in their big truck. Whatever the reason, chances are there is one.
I make a couple of exceptions to this rule in my own life. One notable one is my older son’s godmother, who lives in Liberia, where the mail service isn’t all that reliable and they occasionally have wars and stuff. One time the family had an argument over whether they were going to eat their dog or not because it had been weeks since the last food shipment. I think I’ll forgive her for not living in a country with a better infrastructure, and no, they didn’t eat the dog.
The other exception is my friend who I was convinced died years ago from using crack and whatever other substance she could rustle up at three in the morning in crusty neighborhoods. I was absolutely delighted to hear from her and learn that she put herself through law school and now has a beautiful, crack-free family.
More typical are the friends who find you on MySpace, Facebook or wherever and email you to find out if your life has been a greater train wreck than theirs has been. Ex-boyfriends are notorious for this, as are the somewhat bitchy girlfriends you had in high school who were always just a tad jealous and insecure. Sometimes I feel like writing emails like this:
Hi Denise! How wonderful to hear from you! Cool that you got a tattoo and finally learned how to ride a motorcycle at your age! I’m happy that you have found meaning in your life. I’m sorry about your divorce, that must have really sucked. You always did like the guys who were either jerks or gay–is his lover cute? Hey, remember that night that we got drunk and you slept with those three frat guys? The blond one was even sorta cute. I was so jealous, you got ALL the men! Let’s get together and have coffee sometime soon, k?
The latest email came from a guy I grew up with and had a great time with as a kid. I was delighted at first, until he started saying things like, “…and I wish I had never dated Suzy because you were always the one for me and I realize that now,” followed by an offer to drive three hundred miles for “coffee”.
I know I’m not the only one this is happening to. My advice to those who are thinking of cluttering their lives with old friends? Don’t do it. Here are some reasons why:
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1. If you weren’t in love with the person then, you aren’t now. You are horny, lonely and desperate. Post an online ad. Move on.
2. Your ex really doesn’t want to hear from you, unless he or she is either also lonely and/or desperate or wants to see just how far you’ve fallen since you screwed up. It is just a no win situation.
3. The friend who screwed you significant other is no longer a friend. Ever. No matter how lonely you are. You are better off getting a few cats.
4. The friend who talked you into letting him sleep on your couch for a couple of months? Just say no. Once a mooch, always a mooch.
5. The person you had a huge crush on ten years ago. Do you really need to know what they look like 50 pounds later? Let the memory live on…
6. The friend you just miss, that you used to have a good time with but just lost touch because you had kids and you moved 1857 miles away? Well, maybe. Just be aware that you may always be on one more person’s cute little puppy spam list.
Oh, and if you need to let someone know you didn’t die from your crack habit, then go right ahead. Anytime.
Haha, Michelle, you crack me up. You are right, but for some people, it’s like putting old stuff in the attic. There are good reasons that you haven’t seen for a while those stuff that you put away, but once in a while it might be fun to go to the attic and go through them. Maybe you will find a gem (more likely metaphorically than literally).
Sometimes those things are actually worth being brought into the house again, but a lot of times you don’t really want them either. (And nobody picks them up at the garage sell either.)
Oh great, here I go again, always stretching the metaphors to the extreme…
Great article, Michelle. This reminds me of how my ex-bf contacted me on myspace. He was a jerk when we dated and I don’t care to see him now…or ever….things are in the past for a reason
Personally, I haven’t had good experiences with old friends. I used to hang out with this guy in highschool.. he was my best buddy and we were inseparable. Some years later during my Navy hitch, I was in San Diego and mom sent me a news clipping that he’d been convicted on child molestation charges and imprisoned. To make it worse, his OWN 4 year old daughter had been the victim.
About six years later I was still in San Diego post-Navy, and he called me out of the blue. He was out on parole and wanted to “get together and relive old times”..
Uh, I think not.
Another guy who I’d known just after my Navy hitch in San Diego had gone back to his home state of Michigan after we’d spent a year or so running around and acting silly. But honestly, he wasn’t a TOTAL nut.. just a bit back when I knew him.. but he called me after a 15 year hiatus and explained that HE’D been in prison (no, he didn’t know the first guy, and the two had nothing to do with each other).
He’d been an ordinance expert while in the military, and had gotten pissed off at this family he’d been staying with who’d kicked him out - so he wired up their house and blew it up. He too, just wanted to “catch up with me and talk about old times”.
Honestly, I don’t attract psychos - these are the only two REALLY extreme cases and they’re spread out over twenty years - the rest of my friends are nutty but harmless.
I think.
Good advice. Last year I was able to cut my 100+ Christmas card list down to about ten with this philosophy in mind. Thanks for the chuckles mixed in with some sage advice…don’t clean closets just make you feel refreshed
ooooh, Literotica. this sounds promising. You want to see something REALLY funny and totally mysterious Michelle…I started to notice it this morning on google trends…people keep searching for this thing referred to as “2 girls 1 cup”…so I you-tubed it. There are HUNDREDS of videos of people watching this thing. But you can only see their reactions, you can’t see what they are watching. I don’t think I want to see it, but their reactions are PURE HILARITY…should check it out =)
Let’s never be old friends! xx, JP/deb
One of the advantages of being a married woman is the last name change makes it so much harder to have ex’s locate you. Thank God.
As for “old friends,” I don’t keep in touch with anyone from high school. My oldest friends are from sixth grade and eight grade, but we didn’t go to high school together. MySpace has allowed me to find out what people are up to without getting involved. Goodness knows I don’t want that.
See, this is why I really don’t use or need MySpace and Facebook. The friends I keep in touch with I do and we care enough to use the old cell phone or see each other in person. Others, well… YOU KNOW.