Summer is over, and I have 15 pounds to lose. Plus or minus some. Plus, if I’m honest. This feels like a weird dieting reversal, since instead of dieting to lose weight for a new bathing suit, I am simply trying to fit into last year’s work wardrobe. So far, I have not met with success. Here are the lousy things I tried:
1. Not eating. This one resulted in feelings of dizziness and an even greater number of blonde moments than I already have. It was simply not a good long-term plan, anyway.
2. The Kanten Diet, otherwise known as a kind of seaweed, or in English, agar agar. It is expensive, and tastes like something that is literally indescribable. I tried making it with chocolate soy milk, juice and tea. It reached a 10 on the Nausea Scale every time. The article lied. I need to keep this one in mind as an appetite suppressant, however. One taste, and I’m certain any desire to eat would disappear. As a side note, the health store guy told me it was WAY better than eating nasty cow hooves, ie: regular gelatin. I’ll chow on cow hooves any day, dude.
3. Following this line of thinking, The Jello Diet. The idea here was that anytime I felt hungry, I would eat diet jello. Ha! Jello doesn’t come in Cheeto flavor, and anyway, it did nothing.
4. Drinking two liters of water a day. I really like Fiji water, but it costs about $10 a gallon. I did this for a month, and while I know that drinking water is good for you, I just ended up having to go to the restroom more often, which resulted in more frequent trips to the teacher’s lounge, and resulted in more doughnuts consumed.
5. Hanging a list of reasons to lose weight on the refrigerator. I would glance at Number 3, “Look hot in my red dress”, and begin to wonder when I am going to move to a town where there is nightlife. I would then get depressed and open up the refrigerator and consume an entire jar of olives. Hey, that monounsaturated fat is GOOD for you! Anyway, the list soon got covered up by my son’s spelling test, on which he got a 100!
6. Eating Lean Cuisines. Basically, you pay about a dollar more for less food, which means that you get hungry and pay more for more food later, like Almond M&Ms.
7. The Soup Diet. I tried this ploy to trick myself into eating more vegetables. Out of all of the things I have tried, this one was the most successful. Every Sunday, I cooked a huge pot of chicken soup, with as many different vegetables as I could cram into the pot. I then put it in individual containers and ate it for lunch at work every day. Sometimes I ate it for dinner, too. I lost a couple of pounds, but now I hate soup. Perhaps in a month or so I’ll give it another try.
8. Drinking too much caffeine. I am not supposed to drink any caffeine, because it increases my anxiety. I did lose my appetite, and left work early one day because I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that I was going to throw up. And my legs were shaking. Panic attacks are not the way I want to lose weight. Nope.
9. Signing up for the Sparkpeople diet site. I found a friend on there who I haven’t seen since high school! We’re getting together for lunch soon. Barbecue, anyone?
10. Looking at pro-anorexia sites for inspiration. I discovered that I simply don’t care as much as they do about my weight, and therefore could never find the patience to peel my grapes before I eat them. Anyway, I’d rather have my chi-chis than a collarbone that could cut someone.
I know, I know. It’s a lifestyle. I’m working on mine, hence the Wednesday postings on this subject. Next up: The Jello-Soup Diet.
And yes, I will continue to have contests. Look for one coming up soon!
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