So another Michelle wrote a review of Tim Ferris’s book, The 4-Hour-Workweek. She is much more enamored of Mr. Ferris than I am. In fact, unlike many other women, I don’t think he’s hot. So, Michelle the Serial Entrepreneur can have him. Looking at her page, I have come to the conclusion that she is most likely a kind, nurturing person, whereas I am the sort of woman who sends men running and screaming to the warm embrace of the mental ward of the nearest hospital.
At any rate, when Michelle emailed me about how it was difficult to outsource her life (although she did finally find a Virtual Assistant in Australia), once again I found myself lamenting the fact that I am unable to outsource my work.
However, some people, primarily men, I’ve noticed, are able to “insource” much of their work just fine, and often for a very good price. Where I live, it only costs $41.00 to get a marriage license. Beat that, Indian Outsourcing Company!
Of course, if the worker you find to insource your work wants a Vera Wang wedding gown and a catered dinner for two thousand, you may need to reconsider. At any rate, I am still a tad jealous of men. Why do they get to have a wife and I don’t?
Here are some reasons why I would like to have a wife.
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1. The kiddo ate a leftover Calzone from dinner out last night while I had a can of Campbell’s vegetable beef. The sodium will make me puff up like Hugo Chavez in about an hour.
2. Because I just found my son’s homework folder under the chaise lounge, where it has been hanging out all week.
3. There is laundry in the washing machine that has been there two days. I just remembered this. Be right back.
4. My shoulders hurt. It would be nice to not pay $50 for a massage at the club, where I feel guilty for not being on the treadmill during that time instead.
5. I am on the hospitality committee at work, which consists of me and a dude. The dude’s wife makes the food he brings. No fair. The PTA at my son’s school also demands massive amounts of cookies and cupcakes on a monthly basis. Then there are the gifts needed to bribe the teacher so that she will shut up about “ADHD medication”.
6. The dog’s medicine has been sitting at the vet’s awaiting pick-up for a week now. Meanwhile, there are incontinence problems.
7. My right eye is twitching.
8. The plants are looking a bit yellow, and I had to throw away the fish tank after it was discovered that the fish had disappeared, and there was some mysterious green slime floating around.
9. The inside of the refrigerator.
Now, we’ve got to keep what I just told you a secret, okay? I’d like to continue to the illusion that I am Superwoman so that other women can feel inadequate. After all, my cooking is great, when I do it, and my house is pretty clean, probably because I have donated 90% of what I own so that I won’t have to deal with it. I also manage to leave the house having bathed and wearing make-up.
Thanks to those annoying laws that prohibit same-sex marriage, not to mention the anatomical issues, I have come up with another solution.
I will get rich and hire a full-time maid who cooks.
This will not solve the massage or errand problem, but perhaps if I am not cleaning the bathroom I will have time to go and pick up the dog’s medicine. And call the carpet cleaner. So simple. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
And yeah, I know I could have cooked dinner tonight instead of writing this post. Priorities…
Or you could marry a really old, lonely, rich guy and then hire a maid.
Nice way to harness the power of deep-linking….got me to a post I hadn’t seen before.
HA HA HA HA.. Kind and nurturing.. tell that to my hubby when I’m starting a new business.
I’d trade my Aussie outsource for a wife any day.
You are assuming that the wife will be doing those things that you are not doing for you. That’s one dangerous assumption to make…
Thanks for the laugh…again.
I’m really going to have to get that 4 hour workweek book. I waste way too much time procrastinating. The problem is, I would probably put off reading it.
My right eye twitches too when I am stressed
Old excuse: “The dog ate my homework.”
New excuse: “The chaise lounge ate my homework.”
In New Zealand there is a company called HireAHubby (limited to gardening work etc) but where is HireAWifey?
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Don’t feel too bad,, I have a wife and she doesn’t cook. We just finished two frozen dinners that I’d heated up after getting home from work.
Hmmm. I’m married too, and have a similar list going. Maybe the wife isn’t the solution you should be looking for.
I fully support your decision if you want to get a wife. Too bad the state (and country) government doesn’t agree. Having a wife might kill your sex life though.
Those problems can be solved by a husband as well…
Mental note: Start new “rent-a-wife” business. Prepare to rake in cash.
Mental note #2: Hire a lawyer to better define the word “prostitution”.
I don’t know if I want a wife, but after watchin the last season of Big Love, I’ve decided I want to be a polygimist. I’d only have to worry about shaving my legs once every few days, there’d be someone to share the shopping and cooking with and the hubby will always be outnumbered.
absolutely priceless.
and @jason, definition of prostitution = hilarious
Hey Michelle, I’d marry you. But, I think I need a wife as well. Married guys definitely have the advantage. Great article, I love your creativity. You always entertain. Stumbled and Dugg!
This was a great read. I thought that it was funny. I have been married less than a year. Wife, as you have put it takes some training and bending on your part. I didn’t want to wash the dishes, but I do it from time to time because it is helping her out. She looks at it as so, and thus we have a happy house hold, and she is doing more of the house work than me.
I on the other hand, spend 12 hours away from home working. I don’t much feel like coming home and doing house work. If I do some it keeps the wife in a better mood and I can relax when I really need to and it keeps wife agro at bay.
This has taken some time to develop. It has nothing to do with me or her, it has everything to do with us. We are one, and we need to help each other out. It will all work if you work together. You can’t walk if your legs are fighting against each other, you will fall.
The bottom line is we all need help — and in today’s world where 2 salaries are generally required to maintain a household, nobody feels like doing the normal everyday things that keep a household running smoothly after a long day at work. Hiring someone for a couple hours each week to do the mundane things, leaves more time for each person to do the extra things that make life worthwhile. Nobody wants to spend the entire weekend cleaning house and running errands.
So pack your lunch and plan a “cook and freeze” Saturday once a month so you will eat out less during the week, and hire that extra set of hands you need to do the grunt work every week. In the end you’ll be less stressed and more productive!
As far as outsourcing in the education field goes, I tried my hand at the first opportunity to do something that I could with it this week. I think it’s probably way different as a band director than you “normal” teachers, but I’m sure you could apply some of the concepts.
We had the students (200ish of them) return an information sheet that I want to get into a spreadsheet so I can do all sorts of cool stuff with it (mailing lists, concert programs, build a phone tree/email database, etc.). The problem is that I don’t have the 6 hours of uninterrupted time available to type the stuff all in before the end of the school year.
The solution? We have a young lady who comes to work with a couple of the classes during the day. She goes to college on Wednesday nights and babysits on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. This leaves Tuesdays and Thursdays open. I asked her if she’s pretty good at typing and if she would be interested in making some extra cash. She spent three hours on Thursday inputting nearly half of them and should come really close to finishing on Tuesday.
On another note, I outsource a lot of my manual labor work (setting up the classroom, moving big heavy things, checking my teacher mailbox, taking stuff to the office) for free. It’s not child exploitation, it’s character development…
My next step is to find someone who lives in Mexico who would drive the 5 miles to get to my house and do house cleaning for $5 an hour. Even better than marrying a rich old guy and getting a maid. So how about you move to the border and outsource across the border?
@Joel: I hear ya on the character development thing! My kids this year are all about fixing up the classroom. On Monday, during community service time, they will start sanding the walls where the paint is peeling. Perhaps the classroom will end up looking so nice I can just move in there…
I did you one better. I lived across the border one year. Nice, even though I was making a quarter of the money.
Hey Bloggrrl, I’m with you all the way!
Once I overtake J.K.Rowling’s book sale numbers, I will get two or three wives…okay maid service or something like that! I will need all the maids I can get to clean up this mess!
(don’t laugh about the J.K.Rowling goal…I will do it with the help of all of you!)
Writing, promoting and marketing my book leaves little time for anything else…just ask my husband.
Oh yeah, did I mention my book,’Notes From the Mothership ~ The Naked Invisibles’ due out 11/2007!
Meet MY new boyfriend! He helps me out:
http://meWeltanschauung.blogspot.com
Adrienne
“2. Because I just found my son’s homework folder under the chaise lounge, where it has been hanging out all week.”
Hahahahaha… tell me about it! My son and I are frequently trying to figure out what happened to the work that he was supposed to finish up for the week. Good post…
I feel you- (figuratively not literally) but I don’t want a wife. I want a man servant- a really good one. One who presses clothes, lights my cigarette’s and pours my drinks. I quite smoking 7 years ago, but would take it up again in the evening if I had a butler. I would like an honest to goodness P.G. Wodehouse, Jeeves and if he happened to look like Stephen Fry that would be even better. Of course my husband wouldn’t go for it… We used to refer to my ex and the father of my oldest son as the butler, but he was useless as far as any real chores went. But I enjoyed hearing my 7 year old calling him our butler, even if dude never did a day’s work in his life.
I think everyone could use a wife….
[...] I really wish I was a man. I’ve written before about how advantageous it would be for me to have a wife. And now, I miss my chance just because of my gender. Life is just not fair. Men get Russian women [...]
I need a husband .One to love , charish
and take care of.I mean a real good man
who would appriciate a good lady .