There’s a new study that just came out that shows that blogging causes significant weight gain. It was published just two minutes ago, in my head, and had a sample size of one. It demonstrated conclusively that one summer of blogging caused the participant to gain fifteen pounds.
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In this study, the participant utilized a laptop and wireless internet connection to create a blog. The participant spent most of the time on the sofa, often with strawberry Pocky nearby. Despite an average of one hour of swimming laps or walking per day, and the frenzied activity of phalanges typing posts into WordPress and passwords into social networking sites, the overall inactivity exhibited by the participant caused a metabolic decline of approximately three Pocky sticks per hour. The participant had this to say in her interview with the author of the study:
They say that your butt becomes ‘one with the couch’. I say that my butt became a couch.
The ethics of this study were questionable. The participant found that she had to buy a new wardrobe for work, which negated any earnings from her blog. She is also suffering from Pocky withdrawal, in addition to withdrawal from all other refined carbohydrates. She also has registered complaints about having to go to the gym during the busy period after work, which means that all of the treadmills with the television screens are taken, causing the participant to suffer from extreme boredom.
The implications of the study are twofold. First, bloggers must consider that for each hour spent online, caloric intake must be adjusted and brought into alignment with the caloric requirements of an individual who is in a state of REM sleep. Second, and perhaps most importantly, the ability to blog must become more easily integrated into activities that create a higher ratio of Pocky/lean muscle tissue.
This can be accomplished by implementing some of the following recommendations:
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1. Bloggers can utilize voice recognition software, thus enabling them to blog while driving, cleaning the house, and having sex. It is entirely possible that live sex blogging may create increased caloric burn while simultaneously creating more ad revenue.
2. Blogging tools, such as a large monitor and ergonomic keyboard, should be widely available. Shopping carts are a good example of how blogging could authentically enter the public domain. This would also increase user satisfaction by giving bloggers the ability to blog in real-time about store specials or the inherent evil of Wal-mart.
3. Bloggers should meet each other and have sex, which burns 150 calories per 14.9 minutes. The social aspect of blogging and weight gain should not be discounted. The participant found that her propensity to eat Pocky decreased directly in proportion to the distance of an attractive male. The participant noted that attractive males were a rarity in the vicinity of her couch, which perhaps accounted for some of the increase in adipose tissue.
The study was cut short by a period of three days, when upon weighing herself, the participant used her lower extremities to inflict blunt force trauma on the weighing device, causing its components to break into small pieces on a tile floor.















